Friday, May 18, 2012

10 Unicorn Farts:

1. This is honestly the first time I've grieved a death in my life.  I'm 30.  Quite a nice run if I say so myself.

2.  People don't want to hear about your grief.  They say they do.  But, they don't.  These posts about my sadness are barely getting any hits whereas my "big news" post got many more hits than my average.  As a blogger quite enamored with the number trends of my blog posts, this fascinates me yet it's completely understandable.  I don't want to hear about your bad news.  I want to read your birth stories, read your healthy redo recipe of a chocolate cake, hell, I even want to see your new haircut.  But, read about your sadness and your grief?  No, thank you.

3.  Too bad my life is full of sadness and grief right now.

4.  I won't lie.  I think I'm doing pretty good.  Even with kids that won't stay healthy, we've been getting dressed and doing our normal things.  Still many more cartoons that I'm comfortable with but I'm slowly easing out of the Netflix crutch.  I'm finally doing the last month's worth of laundry that has piled up and proven my family has entirely too many clothes.  I'm cooking real food for meals rather than just handing out apple slices and blueberries.

5.  But, I'm sad and hollow on the inside.  I can tell my hormones are still in flux.  I still prefer to zone out during the day and find myself getting unreasonably frustrated with my children.  I want to shut down but can't.  I'm too needed.

6.  My friend, Alisha, sent me this link to a site for bereaved parents.  Yesterday I finally gathered the courage to visit the site.  Their explanation of grief was a godsend.  It made me feel normal.  Cause, you know, this grieving business is new to me.

7.  I'll go ahead and throw it out there that I haven' taken pictures of my kids in 2 months.  Seems like that bit of news fits with this depressing theme.

8.  My Jessica Seinfeld's 'Deceptively Delicious' avocado chocolate chip cupcakes were delicious.  Avocado for the fat in lieu of oil.  Brilliant.

9.  #8 was my at my attempt at a normal blog post.  Pitiful attempt, yes.  Maybe next week will be my week to write about non-depressing things.  Maybe not.

10.  And, yes, this post's title was a total bait and switch.  Forgive me.  I'm a whore for blog hits and I'm  curious to see how a cheerful title will affect the numbers.


Elizabeth Pedigo said...

I've read every post sweet friend and I've been praying for you! I had two miscarriages and I'm grieving with you. --Elizabeth Pedigo 

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I've read every one :) It's the friends, not the numbers who count. But yes-that is really fascinating that the hits are so different. Makes sense-but sucks.

Holly Canter said...

I love you, sweetie. I just read all of your posts, and ugly cried with you. You will get through this. I will get through this. WE WILL get through this. You know where I am as you need me. 

Amanda said...

I love seeing anything new you have to post and you've been in my prayers.  You're strong and wonderful and needed in many ways!  

Laura said...

It breaks my heart that right now, I have 2 women's blog in my reader that are suffering right now.  It breaks my heart because I love your cheery posts and I completely understand why those posts aren't there right now.  It breaks my heart because I've had 4 m/c and I know the hurt your heart is feeling.

I get why you feel the way you do and I'm so, so, so sorry.  It is hard to pick up and continue your life... especially since you have other children to care for.  But from you said in #8, you're doing it.  You are a strong Mama and you're doing great.  Maybe not as great as you'd like to be, but great considering.  You do what you need to heal... if sad posts are what you need... then we'll be here to read them.

alisha.landry said...

I'll read them all, too, especially the ones with grief. We celebrate together, we mourn together. It's life's great blessing.

Kyleigh Gray said...

Finding, reading and talking to others who have lost like you seemed to help me as well. I hope your journey to feeling less pain gets a little better it is two years since both of my losses and it hurts less. But there are still days I wish I knew our babies and could hold them!

Lane Connerley said...

I read them all and I sooo appreciate how real and honest you are being about your feelings.  I know that many people will benefit from your thoughts and your strength.  Praying for you still!

Becky Leverett said...

Hugs and kisses from me! 

laurin beech said...

Laura, I've read every post and I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I admire so many things about you and your openness is one of them. I hope the days get easier... and happier. You are in my prayers