We are a night wean failure.

And, I'm okay with it.

But, let's keep it real.  I'm only okay with it because I have no choice.  The child simply wasn't ready.

I thought she was ready.
I still feel like she should be ready.
But, she has made it loud and clear she still needs her "mitt" at night.

A boob in the mouth of a sleeping babe is better than a boob in a shirt with a screaming babe.

Trust me.

The plan eventually evolved into me nursing Liza to sleep in my bed with Mr. Messy transferring a sleeping Liza to Henry's bed for the remainder of the night.  The first week went well.  Not great but it went well.  Then we hit a bump in the road.  A very bad night.  Liza came back in the bed with me for some mama cuddles and mama milk to soothe a very upset baby girl and the next night she remembered the previous.  And, she was mad.  She knew I was in my bed.  She knew the milk was in my bed.  And, she was pissed she wasn't there.  Then the drama moved into daylight hours when she became hysterical every time Mr. Messy tried to hold her so I could do something our of her immediate sight or if I left the room without first consulting her.  The child who has never been neglected for a moment in her life was obviously traumatized by our attempt to night wean her.  To me, it felt like she no longer trusted I was always there for her.  And, that makes me sad beyond belief.

So.

I gave in.

She is back to nursing all night with a few nights of solid sleep as a respite for me.

And, I really am okay with it.

It is what it is and it won't last forever.

Right?

Oh, the nights of the endless latch.

Breastfeeding is a relationship between mother and child.  A relationship cultivated from the first moment of life earthside.  A relationship nurtured around the clock during the early months.  A relationship constantly evolving as your newborn becomes your baby and your baby becomes your toddler.

And like all relationships, balance is necessary.  If baby is hungry, nurse.  If mama is engorged, nurse.  If baby needs soothing after a fall, nurse.  If mama desperately needs to veg out on the internet, nurse.  Give and take.  Take and give.  

Mutual satisfaction is also necessary to maintain balance.  As baby grows, her needs change from the days of nursing for survival to the days of the casual sips, constant nursing because everything else is too boring and the nights of the endless latch.  

Oh, the nights of the endless latch.  

And, it's not impossible to imagine how a laid back mama with a love of breastfeeding to keep that baby quiet and happy finds herself at a crossroads when she can no longer tolerate nights of the endless latch.

Oh, the nights of the endless latch.  

Several months ago, I told myself I was ready to night wean Liza.  I was ready to sleep uninterrupted and I was ready for her to magically sleep in her crib all night.  Yet, something was holding me back.  I talked and thought a lot about night weaning but I didn't make much movement in that direction.  Then, we took out my bed and put the mattress on the ground and all of a sudden we had a safe co-sleeping bed.  After selling the crib I had a weirdly freeing emotion surrounding our sleep environment -- partially the realization that my babies had outgrown the crib and partially the realization that any future babies would be co-sleepers from day one -- I had a new sense of peace about our sleep arrangements:

There is no need for us to have strict boundaries of who sleeps where.  Mr. Messy with Henry.  Liza with me.  It's obviously not our permanent arrangement but that doesn't mean it isn't right today.  

Oh wait.  That isn't right for today.  As of 5 nights ago, Liza in my bed was no longer beneficial to our breastfeeding relationship.  My aching shoulder from laying on the same side all night, the clogged ducts from learning how to properly night nurse while laying on my other side, an increasing feeling of being touched out after days of mothering my children and full-contact baby all night.  The list goes on.

It had to change.  I knew it had to change.  I knew it had to change soon but I was still at a loss.

Then, I freaked out.  As in, total hysteria on the verge of shutting down because I simply could not handle another night of Liza waking up and nursing her back to sleep.  Mr. Messy took over and decided  it was officially time to move her to Henry's bed to break the habit of night nursing.  The first night was rough and while there was definitely crying involved, there was no crying it out as her daddy soothed her and she had the sleeping presence of her big brother next to her.  Each night was better and it seemed she was well on her way to sleeping through the night.

That is, of course, until she got in bed with me last night and nursed to her little heart's content.  She wasn't having a good night and she needed some mama love.  And, it didn't feel like a fail at all to give in to that pitiful sleepy baby girl and do what was needed to keep her asleep.  

It's a delicate balance for sure and one I find much easier to handle after several nights of uninterrupted sleep.  Of course, everything is easier without nights of the endless latch.  

Everything.  

She barely even cried.

For the past week, Liza hasn't slept.  At all.  As in, she wakes up starting at 9:30, nurses just long enough to get really really mad at something, screams hysterically until she decides she likes my milk again and then refuses to delatch.  Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.  All night long.

It's not hard to imagine that I'm not a fan of this version of nighttime parenting.  I would even say I hate this little routine as much as the hysterical 18 month old hates it.  And, trust me.  She really hates something during these bouts of hysterical screaming.

And no.  Her teeth are fine.  Her ears are fine.  Her eczema is fine.  

Her attitude and her sleep habits?  Not so fine.

Tonight we decided to do something different because apparently what we are doing isn't working out so great.  I got her to sleep and then moved her to over to Henry's bed.  Of course, this fully woke her up because she was pretty excited to be in big brother's bed but whatever.  I pushed through and got her to sleep again.

2 hours later.  Awake.  I would call it mass hysteria except she was the only one crying.  Until I started crying later.  

So yeah.  Mass hysteria.

I finally got her back to sleep in my bed.  She was asleep and I was still crying.  

Something has to change. 

Mr. Messy and I decided he would take over next time she wakes up.  I was seriously prepared for her to scream until I could no longer handle it and then I would rescue her as always.  

The child cried for 3 minutes as her daddy rocked her.  3 minutes.  Let me say it again.  3 minutes.  I was so prepared for the worst that it didn't occur to me she might not even put up a fight.  

Right now she has been asleep in the bed with her daddy and her brother for, oh, 30 minutes.  Without nursing.  Oh, the things I rejoice in as a mama to these children.

I'm not sure how this night is going to work out but I finally see light at the end of this dark tunnel.  

Amen and The End.

Crying It Out: Then and Now.

I always knew we would let Henry cry it out when he was a baby.  I read plenty online about different techniques and styles and finally settled on a plan that worked for us.  Starting around 7 months I began a long process of transitioning him to fall back asleep at night without nursing.  I was quite systematic as I nursed and rocked incrementally less for a couple of months until I felt like I had pushed him as far as I could on my own and that was the point where we let him cry.  I remember letting him cry for just a few minutes as a time and going in to pat him on the back and tell him everything is okay and then leaving the room again.  Then at some point, it got to where he would cry and then go to sleep.  Wake up.  Cry.  And, then go to sleep again.

Then Liza is born.  And, the crying it out was instantly banished from our house.  Crying is still quite fashionable for my children but crying it out in a lonely room just so the kid will go to sleep is no longer an option for us.

When I look back on Henry crying it out, I think about how cold our house gets.  How snuggly he is.  How he is very particular about his blanket arrangement.  How sometimes his jammies get tangled and he needs a little help to get everything straightened out.   But mostly I think about how much he loves sharing his bed with his daddy and how glad I am they have that time together and I try to push the regret of all those tears into a place where I can focus on today.

I don't want to sound preachy.  I don't want to sound judgey.  I'm not even going to write all the things I have to say about crying it out, and trust me there is a lot, because it probably will sound preachy and it probably will sound judgey, even if it isn't meant in that way.

I just want for mamas and daddies to focus on the big picture and then decide if they want to let their babies cry.

If it is still right for your family, fine.

But, if you have even a glimmer of doubt, pick that baby up and keep on rocking.

I promise you will have a sleeping baby eventually.

We just can't have anything nice.

Sure our bed was so high, I needed a footstool when pregnant.

Sure I like my living room seating arranged just so.  

Sure I really like displaying art and having pretty things. 

But I still always thought our house was quite child friendly.

Well.

Our bed is no longer high.

One "flying through the air in her sleep, 3.5 feet down to the cold hardwood floors" incident with an almost 18 month old cured of me needing to sleep in my pretty antique bed.

Now Liza and I snug down, inches from the floor, on just a mattress.

Our living room furniture is no longer nicely arranged.

Now it is pushed back and out of the way.

But, it's okay.

Our kids are little and won't be little forever.

And, like my friend Emily's parents always said....

"We just can't have anything nice."

our sleep solution.

Have you noticed I haven't mentioned Liza's lack of nighttime sleep lately?  There is a very good reason for this....basically, I've adopted the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality.  Yes.  We are officially bedsharing.  Nights were too long and I was too tired to function from rocking a fussy baby back to sleep all.night.long.  Now, Liza goes to sleep in her crib and the first time she wakes up after I am already in bed, I bring her to bed with me and we snug down for the night.  I knew the switch was official when we took off one of Henry's bedrails and put it on my side of the bed so I can sleep soundly without worrying about a certain little baby girl rolling off our ridiculously high bed in the middle of the night.

This is a big deal, people.  A big deal indeed.  When Henry was a newborn, I was sure of 3 things:  he would breastfeed, wear cloth diapers, and only sleep in his crib.  I was convinced that one night in our bed would lead to a lifetime of kicking, squirming little people ruining the little bit of sleep I was afforded.  When Henry woke up we rocked.  And rocked.  And rocked.  And then we rocked a little bit more.  Around 10 months old,  after a very carefully implemented plan of systematic less rocking for the previous month, I regimented how much and how loud he would be allowed to cry until he learned to sleep on his own.  

But, Liza is not Henry and this is not two years ago.  I have no plans of letting Liza cry and I try to block the memories of Henry crying in his crib all by his lonesome out of my mind.  I think about it this way.  If Henry starts crying now during the night, we run into his room so he can tell us what is wrong.  Why is it different when a non-speaking baby is crying?  Crying is crying.  And, unhappy children need to be tended to whether the tears are caused by an ear infection, a hungry belly, or the simple fact of needing comfort.

You know what?  I don't worry about Liza sleeping with us forever.  Why should we all suffer for lack of sleep now because of a fear I have for the future?  It simply isn't logical and if she needs me, now or in 10 years, I want to be there for her.

So now Liza sleeps in our bed.

And, I won't lie.  I like it a lot.  I like her little snuggles and the way she lets me know she is ready to nurse without making a peep.  I like the way I can rub her belly and bicycle her legs so she can pass gas and instantly fall back asleep.  I like the way I subconsciously scoot away from her in my sleep to get a little space to myself and end up snuggling with Taylor.  And, to be honest, I really really like not getting out of bed at night. 

Sleep.  

It's a nice concept.

Do you cosleep?

Asleep. At last.

My blog is feeling neglected.  My brain no longer feels busy, just tired.  Tired of waking up at 5:45.  Yes.  5:45.  Tired of Henry's new unwillingness to nap, to go to sleep at night or to stay in his bed all night long.  If I hear "I no go night night" one more time, I really might fall to pieces.  Seriously.

I'm trying my best to control my anger when he fights me every step of the way and refuses to nap but it's been hard.  And, yes Mama, I realize I fought naptime and had given up all naps by this age. Especially hard when he bites me after I pick him up to put him back in his bed.  For the millionth time.  Maybe the millionth and one time.  Taylor and I have been talking about how anger and loss of control is our downfall with Henry.  Even though he drives me mad with his insistent ways and wild emotions, perhaps today's naptime disaster was a test of my will to see if I could use compassion instead of anger as this 24 pound little boy pushed every button of mine over and over again.  I give myself a B+.  Much better than Friday's naptime F-......

Now he is asleep on the couch.  For the first time in his life.  I was feeling sorry for Liza having to witness the battle so I shut her door and put her down for her nap fully expecting Henry to barge in her room and insist on laying down in her crib.  Instead I  find 10 minutes of quiet and walk out to find Henry snuggled on the couch under the quilt Taylor napped under when Henry woke him up at 5:00 this morning.  Yes.  5:00.  He didn't exactly smile or show love when I walked out of Liza's room but heck, I hadn't been showing him much love during the previous hour's battle.  I kissed his head and pushed him a little closer to the inside of the couch so he won't fall off and um, wake up.

To move him to his room so he can nap for his full 3.5 hours and risk waking him up and having to deal with the possible torrent of emotions or leave him on the couch and let him wake up on his own when Liza's short little nap is finished?  A big question indeed.

I have exactly 20 minutes remaining before the decision must be made.  At this point, I'm just going to sit down and enjoy the quiet.  And the sweet little view of Henry.  Asleep.  At last.

thinking about sleep.

For the past two nights, Liza has slept better than she has in her entire little life!  Very nice for mama and very nice for everybody else because I am definitely a better person when not sleep deprived.  Be it because I am actually sleeping or because I know this is likely a fleeting phase, sleep is on my mind.

In order to understand my thoughts on infant sleep, you need to understand my thoughts on babies:
Babies are people.  Like you and me, babies have needs that must be met in order to be happy and whole.  Liza's needs are simple -- food, clean diapers, loving interactions, and sleep.  The food is easy.  Liza loves her mama's milk.  Clean diapers are easy especially now that she no longers pees buckets and only has a dirty diaper if I eat dairy.  Loving interactions is the easiest of all.  I mean, really.  She is so flipping cute that I can't stand but to snuggle and play with her all day long.  Sleep.......not so easy.

Actually, sleep is where it gets tough.  As an adult, I need long stretches of sleep.  My body craves at least 8 hours of interrupted sleep.  But, Liza is not an adult.  She is a baby.  Babies do not need long stretches of uninterrupted sleep.  In fact, babies are designed to wake frequently at night.  This article is a wonderful, research based piece on the facts and history of infant sleep.  Even without evidence-based research, common sense tells me that babies are designed to wake frequently at night:  their stomachs are small and breastmilk is easily processed thus designed for frequent feedings, their first 40 weeks of development were spent in a pitch black loud safe place and last but not least, they are babies and everybody knows that babies don't sleep all night long.

So yeah, I totally accept that babies are not designed to sleep like adults.  But this doesn't mean that I do not foster good sleeping habits in hopes that my babies will sleep longer stretches at night.  Trust me.  I foster good sleep with every bone in my body.  We use white noise machines, a swaddle, light layers, a small heater in Liza's room, sleepy cues like that first little yawn and even though it scares me every time she goes to sleep, Liza has a blanket to snuggle.  But, if she wakes up, she wakes up.  If she needs to be nursed and rocked in the middle of the night, I will nurse and rock in the middle of the night.  If she is ready for the day at 4:30am, Taylor will start his day at 4:30am.  For us, there is a fine line of respecting Liza's baby needs and still fostering good sleep habits.

So there.  These are my thoughts about sleep.  And, I consider myself lucky that Liza cooperated in her morning nap this morning to let me write these thoughts about sleep.  Thanks, Little Baby Sister Girl!