Oh, the nights of the endless latch.

Breastfeeding is a relationship between mother and child.  A relationship cultivated from the first moment of life earthside.  A relationship nurtured around the clock during the early months.  A relationship constantly evolving as your newborn becomes your baby and your baby becomes your toddler.

And like all relationships, balance is necessary.  If baby is hungry, nurse.  If mama is engorged, nurse.  If baby needs soothing after a fall, nurse.  If mama desperately needs to veg out on the internet, nurse.  Give and take.  Take and give.  

Mutual satisfaction is also necessary to maintain balance.  As baby grows, her needs change from the days of nursing for survival to the days of the casual sips, constant nursing because everything else is too boring and the nights of the endless latch.  

Oh, the nights of the endless latch.  

And, it's not impossible to imagine how a laid back mama with a love of breastfeeding to keep that baby quiet and happy finds herself at a crossroads when she can no longer tolerate nights of the endless latch.

Oh, the nights of the endless latch.  

Several months ago, I told myself I was ready to night wean Liza.  I was ready to sleep uninterrupted and I was ready for her to magically sleep in her crib all night.  Yet, something was holding me back.  I talked and thought a lot about night weaning but I didn't make much movement in that direction.  Then, we took out my bed and put the mattress on the ground and all of a sudden we had a safe co-sleeping bed.  After selling the crib I had a weirdly freeing emotion surrounding our sleep environment -- partially the realization that my babies had outgrown the crib and partially the realization that any future babies would be co-sleepers from day one -- I had a new sense of peace about our sleep arrangements:

There is no need for us to have strict boundaries of who sleeps where.  Mr. Messy with Henry.  Liza with me.  It's obviously not our permanent arrangement but that doesn't mean it isn't right today.  

Oh wait.  That isn't right for today.  As of 5 nights ago, Liza in my bed was no longer beneficial to our breastfeeding relationship.  My aching shoulder from laying on the same side all night, the clogged ducts from learning how to properly night nurse while laying on my other side, an increasing feeling of being touched out after days of mothering my children and full-contact baby all night.  The list goes on.

It had to change.  I knew it had to change.  I knew it had to change soon but I was still at a loss.

Then, I freaked out.  As in, total hysteria on the verge of shutting down because I simply could not handle another night of Liza waking up and nursing her back to sleep.  Mr. Messy took over and decided  it was officially time to move her to Henry's bed to break the habit of night nursing.  The first night was rough and while there was definitely crying involved, there was no crying it out as her daddy soothed her and she had the sleeping presence of her big brother next to her.  Each night was better and it seemed she was well on her way to sleeping through the night.

That is, of course, until she got in bed with me last night and nursed to her little heart's content.  She wasn't having a good night and she needed some mama love.  And, it didn't feel like a fail at all to give in to that pitiful sleepy baby girl and do what was needed to keep her asleep.  

It's a delicate balance for sure and one I find much easier to handle after several nights of uninterrupted sleep.  Of course, everything is easier without nights of the endless latch.  

Everything.  

She barely even cried.

For the past week, Liza hasn't slept.  At all.  As in, she wakes up starting at 9:30, nurses just long enough to get really really mad at something, screams hysterically until she decides she likes my milk again and then refuses to delatch.  Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.  All night long.

It's not hard to imagine that I'm not a fan of this version of nighttime parenting.  I would even say I hate this little routine as much as the hysterical 18 month old hates it.  And, trust me.  She really hates something during these bouts of hysterical screaming.

And no.  Her teeth are fine.  Her ears are fine.  Her eczema is fine.  

Her attitude and her sleep habits?  Not so fine.

Tonight we decided to do something different because apparently what we are doing isn't working out so great.  I got her to sleep and then moved her to over to Henry's bed.  Of course, this fully woke her up because she was pretty excited to be in big brother's bed but whatever.  I pushed through and got her to sleep again.

2 hours later.  Awake.  I would call it mass hysteria except she was the only one crying.  Until I started crying later.  

So yeah.  Mass hysteria.

I finally got her back to sleep in my bed.  She was asleep and I was still crying.  

Something has to change. 

Mr. Messy and I decided he would take over next time she wakes up.  I was seriously prepared for her to scream until I could no longer handle it and then I would rescue her as always.  

The child cried for 3 minutes as her daddy rocked her.  3 minutes.  Let me say it again.  3 minutes.  I was so prepared for the worst that it didn't occur to me she might not even put up a fight.  

Right now she has been asleep in the bed with her daddy and her brother for, oh, 30 minutes.  Without nursing.  Oh, the things I rejoice in as a mama to these children.

I'm not sure how this night is going to work out but I finally see light at the end of this dark tunnel.  

Amen and The End.

Spank this cute girl?

I've been mentally composing a post about my thoughts on spanking for days.

It's coming together nicely in my brain but now that I've announced it, I'll probably never write it.

I've noticed that trend here on OMML.

So, if the promised post never appears,

I'll leave you with my thoughts on spanking in a nutshell.

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

And, yes, absolutes in parenting are possible.

1 year old!

As soon as the cake was out of the oven, Henry insisted he and Lulu wear their birthday hats from Meme.  He was sad when sister refused to wear hers but he perked back up once he decided it was his birthday too.  

It's not a first birthday without an almost burned finger.

The Sunday Baker's chocolate zucchini cake turned dairy free.  Mmm.

Teething....and still recovering from the panic of almost burning her finger.

 And, yes, she is the cutest thing in the world.

Henry was beckoned to help Liza blow our her candle.  

He loved it.  Can you tell?

---------

Birthday party #1:  Success.  

This was the easy one.  Cake for dinner and a candle.  Easy.

#2 is this coming weekend for our families.

And, #3 is on Henry's birthday, August 17, for our playdate friends.

----------

Let's just hope I can get a few picture that aren't blurry during the next two events.

Seriously.

wordless wednesday....

Lulu is l.o.v.i.n.g. her Dada these days:

She cries when he leaves for work in the morning.

 She only wants him to hold her in the evenings.

And she makes her preference perfectly clear when he tries to hand her off to me and

 she clings to his shirt like a little hip monkey.

She loves loves loves her Daddy and I love seeing it.

I especially loved seeing it tonight at City Bagel as Taylor juggled both kids on his hips and 

I sat back and read a magazine article about Justin Bieber.  

It's the small things.

And yeah, I realize I'm not very good at this wordless business.

Beans. Beans.

Remind me not to tell Henry to "smile" for the camera next time.

Taylor wishes he had a mustache like this.

Seriously.

 Very large homegrown, chemical-free beans!

go high, dada.

mama doesn't garden.

Welcome to the May Carnival of Natural Parenting: Growing in the Outdoors
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they encourage their children to connect with nature and dig in the dirt. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

I'm not going to lie.  I don't like gardening.  Every spring I decide this will be the year I work in the garden.  I daydream about:  weeding early in the morning before the sun heats the sky, watering at dusk, picking vegetables I grew.  Then reality hits:  an overzealous toddler helper, a baby that puts everything in her mouth, Mississippi heat, tired evenings and a total dislike of dirty hands and knees.  And, truth by told, reality hit early this year as the daydreaming phase of spring was over before the garden was fully tilled and way before a single seed was sown.

But, I think having a vegetable garden is important.  I think it's important for kids to know food doesn't magically appear in the grocery store for our eating pleasure.  I think it's important for kids not to have constant instant gratification with everything in life.  I think it's important for kids to play outside and get dirty with real dirt.  I think it's important for kids to eat whole foods and ideally, whole foods that are locally grown and chemical-free.  And, I pretty much love how a backyard garden accomplishes all these things and I get to eat homegrown tomatoes in one fell swoop.

I do lots of things with my kids.  Cooking.  Cleaning.  Thrifting.  Reading.  Baking.  Playing.  Walking.  Choo-chooing.  Singing.  But, not gardening.  I think gardens are pretty fantastic but I don't like to garden.  Remember?  Good thing I have my husband.  He loves gardening.  He loves it all.  Tilling.  Planning.  Organizing seeds.  Planting.  Watering.  Weeding.  Tending.

Like everything else my husband does in life, he works in our vegetable garden with our son by his side.  And, even though I'm watching from afar in the air-conditioned house with a baby on my hip, I know my husband is instilling values of hardwork and consistent dedication in our son as they work in the garden together.

The tomato sandwiches and black-eyed peas with cornbread are just gravy in the scheme of the big picture.

***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Get Out! — Momma Jorje gives reasons she doesn't think she gets outside enough and asks for your suggestions on making time for the outdoors.
• How Does Your Garden Grow? — The ArtsyMama shares her love of nature photography.
• We Go Outside — Amy at Peace 4 Parents describes her family's simple, experiential approach to encouraging appreciation of nature.
• My Not-So-Green Thumb — Wolfmother confesses to her lack of gardening skills but expresses hope in learning alongside her son at Fabulous Mama Chronicles.
• Enjoying Outdoors — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine describes how her children enjoy the nature.
• Five Ideas to Encourage the Reluctant Junior Gardener — For the rare little ones who don't like to get their hands dirty, Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers tips for encouraging an early love of dirt (despite the mess).
• Connecting to Nature — Mamapoekie shares how growing your own vegetable patch connects your child to nature and urges them to not take anything for granted.
• The Farmer's Market Classroom — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares how the Farmer's Market has become her son's classroom.
• Seeds — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment's hubby Ken shares his perspective on why gardening with their kiddos is so important . . . and enjoyable!
• Toddlers in the Garden — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares her excitement as she continues to introduce her toddler and new baby to the joys of fresh veggies, straight from the garden.
• Nature's Weave — MJ at Wander Wonder Discover explains how nature weaves its way into our lives naturally, magnetically, experientially, and spiritually.
• Becoming Green — Kristina at Hey Red celebrates and nurtures her daughter's blossoming love of the outdoors.
• Little Gardener — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis looks forward to introducing her baby girl to gardening and exploring home grown foods for the first time.
• Cultivating Abundance — You can never be poor if you have a garden! Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on what she cultivates in her garden . . . and finds it's a lot more than seeds!
• Growing in the Outdoors: Plants and People — Luschka at Diary of a First Child reflects on how she is growing while teaching her daughter to appreciate nature, the origins of food, and the many benefits of eating home-grown.
• How Not to Grow — Anna at Wild Parenting discusses why growing vegetables fills her with fear.
• Growing in the Outdoors — Lily at Witch Mom Blog talks about how connecting to the natural world is a matter of theology for her family and the ways that they do it.
• A Garden Made of Straw — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares tips on making a straw bale garden.
• The Tradition of Gardening — Carrie at Love Notes Mama reflects on the gifts that come with the tradition of gardening.
• Gardening Smells Like Home — Bethy at Bounce Me to the Moon hopes that her son will associate home grown food and lovely flowers with home.
• The New Normal — Patti at Jazzy Mama writes about how she hopes that growing vegetables in a big city will become totally normal for her children's generation.
• Outside, With You — Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son, a snapshot of a moment in the garden together.
• Farmer Boy — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how her son Joshua helps to grow and raise their family's food.
• Growing Kids in the Garden — Lisa at Granola Catholic shares easy ways to get your kids involved in the garden.
• Growing Food Without a Garden — Don't have a garden? "You can still grow food!" says Mrs Green of Little Green Blog. Whatever the size of your plot, she shows you how.

• Growing Things — Liz at Garden Variety Mama shares her reasons for gardening with her kids, even though she has no idea what she's doing.
• Moments — UK Mummy Blogger explains how the great outdoors provides a backdrop for her family to reconnect.
• Condo Kid Turns Composter and Plastic Police — Jessica from Cloth Diapering Mama has discovered that her young son is a true earth lover despite living in a condo with no land to call their own.
• Gardening with Baby — Sheila at A Gift Universe shows us how her garden and her son are growing.
• Why to Choose Your Local Farmer's Market — Naturally Nena shares why she believes it's important to teach our children the value of local farmers.
• Unfolding into Nature — At Crunchy-Chewy Mama, Jessica Claire shares her desire to cultivate a reverence for nature through gardening, buying local food, and just looking out the window.
• Urban Gardening With Kids — Lauren at Hobo Mama shares her strategies for city gardening with little helpers — without a yard but with a whole lot of enthusiasm.
• Mama Doesn't Garden — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life is glad her husband is there to instill the joys of gardening in their children, while all she has to do is sit back and eat homegrown tomato sandwiches.
• Why We Make this Organic Garden Grow — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her reasons for gardening with her three small children.
• 5 Ways to Help Your Baby Develop a Love of the Natural World — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama believes it's never too early to foster a love of the natural world in your little one.
• April Showers Bring May PRODUCE — Erika at NaMammaSte discusses her plans for raising a little gardener.
• Growing Outside — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers how to get her kids outside after weeks of spring rain.
• Eating Healthier — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey talks about how she learns to eat healthier and encourages her children to do the same.
• The Beauty of Earth and Heavens — Inspired by Charlotte Mason, Erica at ChildOrganics discovers nature in her own front yard.
• Seeing the Garden Through the Weeds — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro talks about the challenges of gardening with two small children.
• Creating a Living Playhouse: Our Bean Teepee! — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares how her family creates a living playhouse "bean teepee" and includes tips of how to involve kids in gardening projects.
• Grooming a Tree-Hugger: Introducing the Outdoors — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her planned strategies for making this spring and summer memorable and productive for her pre-toddler in the Outdoors.
• Sowing Seeds of Life and Love — Suzannah at ShoutLaughLove celebrates the simple joys of baby chicks, community gardening, and a semi-charmed country life.
• Experiencing Nature and Growing Plants Outdoors Without a Garden — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares some of her favorite ways her family discovered to fully experience nature wherever they lived.
• Garden Day — Melissa at The New Mommy Files is thankful to be part of community of families, some of whom can even garden!
• Teaching Garden Ettiquette to the Locusts — Tashmica from Mother Flippin' (guest posting at Natural Parents Network) allows her children to ravage her garden every year in the hopes of teaching them a greater lesson about how to treat the world.
• Why I Play with Worms. — Megan of Megadoula, Megamom and Megatired shares why growing a garden and raising her children go hand in hand.

easter morning love.

Love the Easter baskets.

Henry:  wooden puzzles, coloring book with colors, Lentil a book about a harmonica playing boy

Liza:  kitty cat board book -- the girl is crazy about cats!

Love Aunt Cindy's old school camcorder!

Love the hullabaloo involved with 4 young children's Easter baskets.

Love the determined grasp of the Easter basket.

Love that the determined grasp of the Easter basket took place at the beach.

Love Meme and her love of our sweetest girl.

Love Pops and his enthusiasm for all things Henry.

Love that this was the best posed picture I could get with our kids and their grandparents.

Love that this was the only family picture of the whole weekend.

Okay, I don't love that.

It's pretty terrible.

Love recreating the teaching years by reading the Easter story to the family.

Love this amazing beach house.

 Love Carla and Cindy for working hard to make this weekend happen.

Love Love Love the new tradition of Easter at the beach!

Babywearing Daddy!

 Taylor figured out this version of the Secure High-Back Carry all by himself. 

Happy Dada.

Happy Henry.

Impressed Mama.

Apparently, it all started when I was at the thrift store with Liza and our Boba and Taylor was at home with a whiny and clingy HenHen.  Babywearing at it's best.  Seriously.

He's a cute babywearing daddy, isn't he?

planting our summer garden.

This weekend was full of indicators that spring is officially here:
I sweated for the duration of our morning walk.
The daffodils are in full bloom.
The fan stayed on in the front room and I was still hot.
I have already forgotten what it was like to be cold during the wintertime.
Liza's winter clothes are neatly packed away with her summer clothes organized in her wardrobe with Henry's closet reorganization coming soon.
My ridiculous number of winter jackets were jammed into a garbage bag and thrown into the workshop.

And, last but not least, Taylor and Henry planted our summer garden:

Henry eagerly anticipated the planting of these seeds for several weeks as Taylor tilled and prepared our little garden plot.  But, it was obvious he was clueless about the purpose of the garden when I told him these seeds were going to grow into vegetables we would eat.  The look on his face was pricelesss as he rubbed his tummy and said "mmmm!"  We certainly love our veggies in this house and I am so excited that Henry is big enough to appreciate and understand our little vegetable garden.

How to plant seeds with a two-year-old as your helper:

1. Discuss the "high and low" parts of the garden and repeat again and again "only walk on the low parts".

2. Demonstrate how to lay the seeds on the rows.

3. "Punch" the seeds down with your fingers.

4. Mound the rows back after the seeds are planted.

5. Attempt to ban the two-year-old from the garden after he stomps on the carefully planted rows.

6. Pull the two-year-old out of the garden a few more times.

7. Sit down and explain why you can't stomp on the carefully planted rows.

8. Give the two-year-old the responsibility of tightly holding onto a baggie of seeds.  Can you tell he is saying "seeds"?

9. Continue planting the seeds with a million reminders not walk on top of the planted rows.

This is my view of our backyard from the kitchen door.  Frankly, all this planting wore me out and I needed a glass of wine to wind down from the hard work of documenting the event and mentally planning out this blog post.  It's hard work being mama!

Winter Storm 2011 - Round II

This winter weather has been on the insane side for the past few months.

I'm accustomed to cold spells followed by warm spells.

But, snow like this on Thursday and t-shirt weather on Sunday is taking it to a whole new level....

I was pretty sad when I forgot to take a picture of our snow covered house after Winter Storm 2011.

Who knew we would have a repeat performance?

3 inches of perfect powdery snow!

Henry played his little hiney off wearing several layers of wool longies to keep him dry and warm.

I bought these well-loved bellbottomed longies off Ebay for $3.

If they look this cute on Henry, I can't wait to see little Liza running around in them!

Our green space was a white space!

No snowday is complete without breakfast at City Bagel.

And no snowday visit to City Bagel is complete without Henry battling Taylor about putting his warm clothes back on after we finish eating.

What about the baby?  Where is she?

Exactly where she needs to be!

Right now.